Kindness

Please please please keep your eyes and ears open for ways you can help other humans. I know, we are all “super busy” - right? Not too busy to help our community. Yesterday I was near SJ’s school and I saw a bunch of people swerving because something was in the road. It was a giant bag full of trash that had fell off the back of what looked like a mechanic’s truck. It had sand, gas, used car parts, Mountain Dew cans amongst a bunch of other nasty stuff in it and had been scattered across the road due to people running it over. I looked at it as I swerved with the other cars and thought... “that is going to be a nasty mess to clean up.... for someone else...” then, I thought - you know what - I am going to roll up my sleeves, go find a garbage bag right now, and clean that up so someone else doesn’t have to do it and so it will stop causing a hazard in the road. It took me 15 minutes... it was disgusting... I smelled like gas for an hour, but I am happy I did it to help out. Our actions create a flywheel affect — the positive actions and intentions you put in the world help other positive things happen, then more positive things happen. Our community is what we make it. Take the time. Slow down. Show love. You are not too busy. 

Diem is 2!

I can't believe Diem Lila is 2. You are such a light in my life, baby girl, and I am so grateful the universe blessed me with you as my child. Diem loves Moana (she's obsessed), books, her brother, bicycles, family, purple, dancing, suckers, popsicles, the happy birthday song, bath time and swimming. Diem is such a sweet, happy girl. She's also feisty and passionate, though, so we know she'll be able to hold her own in this world :D 

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose - READ THIS BOOK!

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Overall, this book is life-changing. Everyone should read it.

My favorite quotes from the book:

1) Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.
2) Being aware of your breathing takes attention away from thinking and creates space. It is one way of generating consciousness. Although the fullness of consciousness is already there as the unmanifested, we are here to bring consciousness into this dimension.
3) Be aware of your breathing. Notice the sensation of the breath. Feel the air moving and out of your body. Notice how the chest and abdomen expand and contract slightly with the in- and out breath. One conscious breath is enough to make some space where before there was the uninterrupted success of one thought after another. One conscious breath (two or three would be even better), taken many times a day, is an excellent way of bringing space into your life. Even if you meditated on your breathing for two hours or more, which some people do, one breath is all you ever need to be aware of, indeed ever can be aware of. The rest is memory or anticipation, which is to say - thought. Breathing isn’t really something that you do, but something that you witness as it happens. Breathing happens by itself. The intelligence within the body is doing it. All you have to do is watch it happening. There is no strain or effort involved. Also, notice the brief cessation of the breath, particularly the still point at the end of the out breath, before you start breathing in again.
4) In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever. That alert attention is Presence. It is the prerequisite for any authentic relationship.
5) Whenever you feel superior or inferior to anyone, that’s the ego in you.
6) If peace is what you really want you will choose peace. If peace mattered to you more than anything else and if you truly knew yourself to be a spirit rather than a little me, you would remain nonreactive and absolutely alert when confronted with challenging people or situations. You would immediately accept the situation and thus become one with it rather than separate yourself from it.Then out of your alertness would come a response. Who are you are (consciousness), not who you think you are (a small me), would be responding. It would be powerful and effective and would make no person or situation an enemy.
7) The world always makes sure that you cannot fool yourself for long about who you really think you are by showing you what truly matters to you. How you react to people and situations, especially when challenges arise, is the best indicator of how deeply you know yourself. The more limited, the more narrowly egoic the view of yourself, the more you will see, focus on and react to the egoic limitations, the unconsciousness in others. Their “faults” or what you perceive as their faults become to you their identity. This means you will see only the ego in them and thus strengthen the ego in yourself. Instead of looking “through” the ego in others, you are looking “at” the ego.
8) Very unconscious people experience their own ego through its reflection in others. When you realize that what you react to in others is also in you (and sometimes only in you), you being to become aware of your own ego. At that state, you may also realize that you were doing to others what you thought others were doing to you. You cease seeing yourself as the victim.
9) Whatever you think people are withholding from you - praise, appreciation, assistance, loving care, and so on - give it to them. You don’t have it? Just act as if you had it and it will come. Then soon after you start giving you will start receiving. You cannot receive what you don’t give. Outflow determines inflow.
10) Ego-identification with things creates attachment to things, obsession with things, which in turn creates our consumer society and economic structures where the only measure of progress is always more. The unchecked striving for more, for endless growth, is a dysfunction and a disease. It is the same dysfunction the cancerous cell manifests, whose only goal is to multiply itself, unaware that it is bringing about its own destruction by destroying the organism of which it is a part. Some economists are so attached to the notion of growth that they can’t let go of that word, so they refer to recession as a time of “negative growth.”
11) The source of all abundance is not outside you. It is part of who you are. However, start by acknowledging and recognizing abundance without. See the fullness of life all around you. The warmth of the sun on your skin, the display of magnificent flowers outside a florist's shop, biting into a succulent fruit, or getting soaked in an abundance of water falling from the sky. The fullness of life is there at every step. The acknowledgement of that abundance that is all around you awakens the dormant abundance within. Then let it flow out. When you smile at a stranger, there is already a minute outflow of energy. You become a giver.
12) The ego could be defined simply in this way: a dysfunctional relationship with the present moment. The decision to make the present moment into your friend is the end of the ego.
13) Let’s say that you are a businessperson and after two years of intense stress and strain you finally manage to come out with a product or service that sells well and makes money. Success? In conventional terms, yes. In reality, you spent two years polluting your body as well as the earth with negative energy, made yourself and those around you miserable, and affected many others you never even met. The unconscious assumption behind all such action is that success is a future event, and that the end justifies the means. But the end and the means are one. And if the means did not contribute to human happiness, neither will the end. The outcome, which is inseparable from the actions that led to it, is already contaminated by those actions and so will create further unhappiness. This is karmic action, which is the unconscious perpetuation of unhappiness.
14) A vital question to ask yourself frequently is: What is my relationship with the present moment? Then become alert to find out the answer. Am I treating the Now as no more than a means to an end? Do I see it as an obstacle? Am I making it into an enemy? Since the present moment is all you ever have, since Life is inseparable from the Now, what the question really means is: What is my relationship with Life?
15) To awaken within the dream is our purpose now. When we are awake within the dream, the ego-created earth-drama comes to an end and a more benign and wondrous dream arises. This is the new earth. You are present when what you are doing isn’t primarily a means to an end (money, prestige, winning) but fulfilling in itself, when there is joy and aliveness in what you do.
16) Unhappiness or negativity is a disease on our planet. What pollution is on the outer level is negativity on the inner. It is everywhere, not just in places where people don’t have enough, but even more so where they have more than enough. Is that surprising? No. The affluent world is even more deeply identified with form, more lost in content, more trapped in ego.
17) Someone recently showed me the annal prospectus of a large spiritual organization. When I looked through it, I was impressed by the wide choice of interesting seminars and workshops. It reminded me of a smorgasbord, one of those Scandinavian buffets where you can take your pick from a huge variety of enticing dishes. The person asked me whether I could recommend one or two courses. “I don’t know,” I said. “They all look so interesting. But I do know this,” I added. “Be aware of your breathing as often as you are able, whenever you remember. Do that for one year, ad it will be more powerfully transformative than attending all of these courses. And it’s free.”
18) In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus makes a prediction that to this day few people have understood. He says, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” In modern versions of the Bible, “meek” is translated as humble. Who are the meek or the humble, and what does it mean that they shall inherit the earth? The meek are the egoless. They are those who have awakened to their essential true nature as consciousness and recognize that essence in all “others,” all life-forms. They live in the surrendered state and so feel their oneness with the whole and the Source. They embody the awakened consciousness that is changing all aspects of life on our planet, including nature, because life on earth is inseparable from the human consciousness that perceives and interacts with it. That is the sense in which the meek will inherit the earth. A new species is arising on the planet. It is arising now, and you are it!
19) If you are not spending all your waking life in discontent, worry, anxiety, depression, despair, or consumed by others negative states; if you are able to enjoy simple things like listening to the sound of the rain or the wind; if you can see the beauty of clouds moving across the sky or be alone at times without feeling lonely or needing the mental stimulus of entertainment; if you find yourself treating a complete stranger with heartfelt kindness without wanting anything from him or her… it means that a space has opened up, no matter how briefly, in the otherwise incessant stream of thinking that is the human mind.
20) Words from the Zen Master to the disciple… “instead of focusing on the meaning of Zen, find it through the mountain stream. Can you hear the mountain stream? Enter Zen from there.” Meaning: Enter Zen from being present in the NOW.
21) Here is a spiritual practice that will bring empowerment and creative expansion into your life. Make a list of a number of everyday routine activities that you perform frequently. Include activities that you may consider uninteresting, boring, tedious, irritating, or stressful. But don’t include anything that you hate or detest doing. That’s a case either for acceptance or for stopping what you do. The list may include traveling to and from work, buying groceries, doing laundry, or anything that you find tedious or stressful in your daily work. Then, whenever you are engaged in those activities, let them be a vehicle for alertness. Be absolutely present in what you do and sense the alert, alive stillness within you in the background of the activity. You will soon find that what you do in such a state of heightened awareness, instead of being stressful, tedious, or irritating, is actually becoming enjoyable. To be more precise, what you are enjoying is not really the outward action but the inner dimension of consciousness that flows into the action. This is finding the joy of being in what you are doing. If you feel your life lacks significance or it is too stressful or tedious, it is because you haven’t brought that dimension into your life yet. Being conscious in what you do has not yet become your main aim.
22) The words inscribed on the ring are not telling you that you should not enjoy the good in your life, nor are they merely meant to provide some comfort in times of suffering. They have deeper purpose: to make you aware of the fleetingness of every situation, which is due to the transience of all forms --good and bad. When you become aware of the transience of all forms, your attachment to them lessons, and you disidentify from them to some extent. Being detached does not mean that you cannot enjoy the good that the world has to offer. In fact, you enjoy it more. Once you see and accept the transience of all things and the inevitability of change, you can enjoy the pleasures of the world without the fear of loss or anxiety about the future. When you are detached, you gain a higher vantage point from which to view the events in your life instead of being trapped inside them. You become like an astronaut who sees the planet Earth surrounded by the vastness of space and realizes a paradoxical truth: The earth is precious and at the same time insignificant. The recognition that This, too, will pass brings detachment and with detachment another dimension comes into your life - inner space. Through detachment, as well as non judgement and inner nonresistance, you gain access to that dimension.
23) As you already know, your secondary or outer purpose lies within the dimension of time, while your main purpose is inseparable from the NOW and therefore requires the negation of time. How are they reconciled? By realizing that your entire life journey ultimately consists of the step you are taking at this moment. There is always only this one step, and so you have it your fullest attention. This doesn’t mean you don’t know where you are going; it just means that this step is primary, the destination secondary. And what you encounter at your destination once you get there depends on the quality of this one step. Another way of putting it: What the future holds for you depends on your state of consciousness NOW.
24) In your life you experience two movements - the outgoing and the return, that are reflected in each person’s life cycles. Out of nowhere, so to speak, “you” suddenly appear in this world. Birth is followed by expansion. There is not only physical growth, but also growth of knowledge, activities, possessions, experiences. Your sphere of influence expands and life becomes increasingly complex. This is a time when you are mainly concerned with finding or pursuing your outer purpose. Usually there is also a corresponding growth of the ego, which is identification with all of the above things, and so your form identity becomes more and more defined. This is also the time when outer purpose - growth - tends to become usurped by the ego, which unlike nature does not know when to stop in its pursuit of expansion and has a voracious appetite for more. And then, just when you thought you made it or that you belong here, the return movements begins. Perhaps people close to you begin to die, people who were a part of your world. Then your physical form weakens; your sphere of influence shrinks. Instead of becoming more, you now become less, and the ego reacts to this with increasing anxiety or depression. Your world is beginning to contract, and you may find you are not in control anymore. Instead of action upon life, life now acts upon you by slowly reducing your world. The consciousness that identified with form is now experiencing the sunset, the dissolution of form. And then one day, you too disappear. Your armchair is still there. But instead of you sitting in it, there is just an empty space. You went back to where you came from just a few years ago. Each person’s life - each life-form, in fact - represents a world, a unique way in which the universe experiences itself. And when your form dissolves, a world comes to an end - one of countless worlds.
25) Awakened doing is the alignment of your outer purpose - what you do - with your inner purpose - awakening and staying awake. Through awakened doing, you become one with the outgoing purpose of the universe. Consciousness flows through you into this world. It flows into your throughs and inspires them. It flows into what you do and guides and empowers it. Not what you do, but how you do what you do determines whether you are fulfilling your destiny. And how you do what you do is determined by your state of consciousness. A reversal of your priorities comes about when the main purpose for doing what you do becomes the doing itself, or rather, the current of consciousness that flows into what you do. That current of consciousness is what determines quality. Another way of putting it: In any situation and in whatever you do, your state of consciousness is the primary factor the situation and what you do is secondary. “Future” success is dependent upon and inseparable from the consciousness out of which actions emanate. That can be either the reactive force of the ego or the alert attention of awakened consciousness. All truly successful action comes out of that field of alert attention, rather than from ego and conditioned, unconscious thinking.
26) If you are awake enough, aware enough, to be able to observe how you interact with other people, you may detect subtle changes in your speech, attitude and behavior depending on the person you are interacting with. At first, it may be easier to observe this in others; then, you may also detect it in yourself. The way in which you speak to the chairman of the company may be different in the subtle ways from how you speak to the janitor. How you speak to a child may be different from how you speak to an adult. Why is that? You are playing roles. You are not yourself, niether with the chairman nor with the janitor or the child. When you walk into a store to buy something, when you go to a restaurant, the bank, the post office, you may find yourself slipping into pre-established social roles. You become a customer and speak and act as such. And you may be treated by the salesperson or waiter, who is also playing a role, as a customer. A range of conditioned patterns of behavior come into effect between two human beings that determine the nature of the interaction. Instead of human beings, conceptual mental images are interacting with each other. The more identified people are with their respective roles, the more unauthentic the relationships become.
27) People unknowingly sabotage their own work when they withhold help or information from others or try to undermine them lest they become more successful or get more credit than “me.” Cooperation is alien to the ego, except when there is a secondary motive. The ego doesn’t know that the more you include others, the more smoothly things flow and the more easily things come to you. When you give little or no help to others or put obstacles in their path, the unders -in the form of people and circumstances- gives little or no help to you because you have cut yourself off from the whole. The ego’s unconscious core feeling of “not enough” causes it to react to someone else’s success as if the success had taken something away from “me.” It doesn’t know that your resentment of another person’s success curtails your own chances of success. In order to attract success, you need to welcome it wherever you see it.
28) The pain body manifests itself as anxiety, anger, outbursts of violence, a mood or even as a physical illness resulting in an inability to let go of the past. This pain not only lives in us as a symptom of hard times that we’ve had in our life/childhood/adolescence/etc., but it also exists as a collective in our society due to war, enslavement, torture, etc. that has happened in our history. It is important for us to awaken and live in the moment so that we can temper the pain body that lives in every one of us. According to the book, the pain body is different for men and women… “ this is because women are less mind identified than men. The female form is less rigidly encapsulated than the mail, has greater openness and sensitivity toward other life-forms and is more attuned to the natural world.”
29) To help children move past the pain-body you can ask varying questions such as “what was it that came over you yesterday when you wouldn’t stop screaming? Do you remember? What did it feel like? Was it a good feeling? That thing that came over you, does it have a name? No? If it had a name, what would it be called? If you could see it, what would it look like? Can you paint a picture of what it would look like? What happened to it when it went away? Did it go to sleep? Do you think it may come back?”


View all my reviews

I can't believe SJ is 5-years-old! Time has flown by and I absolutely love being his mom more than anything in the world. So grateful that I get to play Pokemon with him, have pillow fights with him and craft with him. I am so proud of all he's accomplished this year - from learning to read, learning to count to 100, being such a great big brother to Diem and sharing his loving heart with the world. I love him to the moon and back.

SJ loves the color red, loves psychic type Pokemon (and Charzard), and also loves Lego Batman. He's just barely starting to love to play video games. He loves to play Marvel Superhero games on the playstation. He received his first card from a girl with a bunch of hearts on it (from Paris).... he also gave his first card with hearts on it to Laela. He blushes every time we talk about these cards with hearts :D 

SJ is playing soccer and in swimming lessons. He is doing really well at soccer, but has yet to make his first goal. He's definitely blocked a lot of balls from entering the goal the and is a great goalie. SJ has done a great job attending Summit Academy for the second year. He is graduating preschool soon and will be off to Kindergarten. I can't believe it! His best friends at school right now are Odin and Dominic. He also loves Maximus and Ethan. Outside of school his best friends are Laela, River, Hayden, Lily, Paris, McCoy, Drake, Diem, Oaky, Sophia... he has lots of friends! 

SJ is quite the conversationalist and loves to have "talks" - this is one of the many things Scott Sr. and I love most about SJ at 5-years-old. 

Grandmother's Love

I wrote this poem for my grandmother for her 90th birthday.

Grandmother’s Love 
By Jessica Chase

My grandmother stitches love into everything she does.
Into blankets and poems, and songs and raspberry jam.
My grandmother’s fingers are callused from giving love.
I don’t think she’ll ever understand how grateful I am.

My grandmother plants love into everything she does.
Into cooking and baking and flowers and crystals.
My grandmother’s lips are callused from giving so many kisses.
I don’t think she’ll ever understand how grateful I am.

My grandmother writes love into everything she does.
Into books and lullabies and hugs and hearts.
My grandmother’s feet are callused from walking through 90 years.
I don’t think she’ll ever understand how grateful I am.

I don’t think my grandmother will ever understand how grateful I am for
Her wisdom.
Her strength.
Her spirituality.
Her friendship.
But most of all – her LOVE.

Book Review: Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

First off, there are some great book club discussion questions and discussion points at this link http://www.scribd.com/doc/174262340/D... I used them for my book club meeting and we had a great discussion.

There are so many great quotes in this book and so many great discussion points. I chose vulnerability by choosing this book for book club. I was a little worried about what everyone would think because we haven’t really read any psychological books in our book club before. Turns out, everyone loved it and it made for a great discussion – so vulnerability wins again! “If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability (uncertain risk and emotional exposure) is the path.”

There are many times in my life where I’ve gone into “hermit mode” either just because I needed a breather from life or just had a period of time where I didn’t want to be super social, but I do believe that connection in general is important to thrive. Brene mentions this in her book, “Connection is why we are here. We are hardwired for connection, it’s what gives purpose and meaning in our lives, and without it there is suffering.”

This is why therapy/support groups work for many reasons whether you have an addiction, depression, etc. “We believe that most terrifying and destructive feeling that a person can experience is psychological isolation. This is not the same as being alone. It is a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation. In the extreme, psychological isolation can lead to a sense of hopelessness and desperation. People will do almost anything to escape this combination of condemned isolation and powerlessness.”

Also don’t we all respect people for either standing up/presenting in front of a crowd at work, speaking in church or testing out stand-up comedy. That takes some major guts! Public speaking is the number one fear amongst people. It’s funny because we are so excited when other people put themselves out there so we can learn from them or laugh at them, but we won’t do it ourselves. “Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me. I’m drawn to your vulnerability, but repelled by mine.” It is true that “vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.”

The reason most of us don’t put ourselves out there is obviously due to fear. But if we don’t push ourselves, we won’t grow as individuals - “There will be failure and mistakes and criticism. If we want to be able to move through the difficult disappointments, the hurt feelings, and the heartbreaks that are inevitable in a fully lived life, we can’t equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging and joy. If we do, we will never show up and try again.”

And this brings us back to the types of environments we work and live in – are we encouraged to try and is it okay if we fail? Or is there so much pressure on us that if we fail, we will be berated and therefore lose confidence? Brene mentions that “if you want a culture of creativity and innovation, where sensible risks are embraced on both a market and individual level, start by developing the ability of managers to cultivate an openness to vulnerability in their teams.” This couldn’t be more true.

I’ve worked in environments where failing was simply not an option, and I’ve worked in environments where trying and failing was encouraged. Trust me, the second one was much more profitable and successful. It’s common sense. As a women sometimes I feel how Brene felt - “Basically, we have to be willing to stay as small, sweet, and quiet as possible, and use our time and talent to look pretty. Our dreams, gifts and ambitions are unimportant.” But that isn’t going to get us anywhere. And that’s not why my female ancestors paved the way for me to be an independent successful woman in the workforce.

Brene is right when she says, “Leaders must rehumanize education and work. And if there is there evidence of people in leadership roles bullying others, criticizing subordinates in front of colleagues, delivering public reprimands, or setting up rewards systems that intentionally belittle, shame, or humiliate people” we must stop them. This stops growth and definitely stops innovation. Let’s be honest – there are many companies and leaders that feel that “busting balls in public builds character. It’s motivating,” but to evolve as a company and as humankind – we need to stop this immaturity. It’s making us all suffer and if you want people to thrive/innovate in your organization and for your organization to succeed, you have to encourage vulnerability.

There was a story in the book about a girl who said - “my boss has these two big dry-erase boards outside of his office. One’s the winners’ list, and one board is for the losers. She said for weeks she could barely function. She lost her confidence and started missing work. Shame, anxiety and fear took over. After a difficult three-week period, she quit her job and went to work for another agency.” How did shaming these employees benefit this company? They had to re-hire and re-train a new worker, when they could have just had healthy conversations about what these employees could have done to improve. “Shame can only rise so far in any system before people disengage to protect themselves. When we’re disengaged, we don’t show up, we don’t contribute, and we stop caring.”

If organizations want to succeed, they need to stop this counterintuitive, masochistic behavior. They are sabotaging themselves. “In an organizational culture where respect and the dignity of individuals are held as the highest values, shame and blame don’t work as management styles. There is no leading by fear. Empathy is a valued asset, accountability is an expectation rather than an exception, and the primal human need for belonging is not used leverage and social control.” That is how you succeed according to Brene.

It’s OKAY to have the hard conversations and tell people what they need to do to improve themselves, in fact – it’s important for growth. It’s valid when leaders feel this - “If you’re comfortable, I’m not teaching you and you’re not learning. It’s going to get uncomfortable in here and that’s okay. It’s normal and it’s part of the process.” It’s okay to get uncomfortable, but we don’t have to shame people. And Brene mentions that this is one of the biggest challenges leaders have these days - “The big challenge for leaders is getting our heads and our hearts around the fact that we need to cultivate the courage to be uncomfortable and to teach the people around us how to accept discomfort as part of growth.”

I loved the concept of the “Marble Jar” – “Trust is built one marble at a time.” Trust is a growing marble collection. How many friendships have you had where trust is broken and you should have metaphorically taken a marble out of someone’s jar, but you didn’t – or vice versa – how many of your friendships constantly reinforce the trust you have in those friendships? Shouldn’t you be focusing on the friendships where your marble jars are more full vs. the friendships where marbles are pretty much non-existent?

Brene also talks about what’s called a “Stretch-Mark Friend” – she said you only find one or two of these in your entire life, but these are people you can be truly vulnerable with - “The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool. To be on my list, you have to be what I call a stretch-mark friend- our connection has been stretched and pulled so much that it’s become part of who we are, a second skin, and there are a few scars to prove it. We’re totally uncool with each other. I don’t’ think anyone has more than one or two people who qualify for that list.”

It’s so important to have good friends in order to live a vulnerable life. It’s also important for us to BE good friends to others so they can be vulnerable with us. We need to stop the gossip, the judgment, etc. - “When we feel good about the choices we’re making and when we’re engaging with the world from a place of worthiness rather than scarcity, we feel no need to judge and attack.”

You’ve probably heard the saying - “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” Well, Brene Brown states in her book that - “when people shared their stories and experiences, their physical health improved, their doctor’s visits decreased, and they showed significant decreases in their stress hormones.” This didn’t surprise me. As someone that does yoga on a regular basis, I’ve learned about the chakras, and one of your chakra’s is called the “Throat Chakra” – you release this chakra by speaking your truth. You can have major health problems if you aren’t speaking your truth and holding things in – such as thyroid problems, sore throat, etc.

It’s not rocket science that disengagement corrodes trust. We run into this so much in 2015 – with Facebook and a million apps/games on our phone – we rarely live in the moment. We rarely engage with our families and friends without distraction. This is considered a betrayal by many and actually ends a lot of marriages. Brene mentions this in the book - “In fact, this betrayal usually happens long before the other ones. I’m talking about the betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Or letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship. The word betrayal evokes experiences of cheating, lying, breaking and a confidence, failing to defend us to someone else who’s gossiping about us and not choosing us over other people. These behaviors are certainly betrayals, but they’re not the only form of betrayal.”

With disengagement comes lack of connection with our significant others – why should we have sex when we can play one more game on our phone or post one more thing on Facebook? This because a true problem because our partners will turn to porn - “For five bucks and five minutes, you think you are getting what you need, and you don’t have to risk rejection.”

Think about it - it’s one of the most vulnerable things men do - asking for intimacy. And for women, sharing their body (especially for those who have a poor body image) while intimate is extremely vulnerable. Brene mentions this about how men feel about sex and vulnerability - “When it comes to sex, it feels like our life is on the line, and you are worried about that crap?” {body image, etc.) “It’s true, when you want to be with us in that way it makes us feel more worthy. We stand a little taller. Believe in ourselves more. I don’t know why, but it’s true. And I’ve been married since I was eighteen. It still feels that way with my wife.” All the more reason for men and women to understand each other’s vulnerabilities – it will make our marriages and relationships stronger.

I’ve grown up in Utah, which is considered a pretty conservative place due to the Mormon presence. I actually grew up Mormon and have very devout parents/family members, but the one thing that is really hard for me about organized religion is how much the church-goers forget about “love” and what the true message of religion is all about. As Brene says - “We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.” Maybe it’s that people who attend organized religions don’t really LOVE themselves unconditionally – so how can they love others unconditionally? Whether they were taught to only love themselves if they followed certain rules, or did what their churches wanted them to do –and so on… In my mind – God doesn’t put a restriction on love. And for many devout people of organized religions – this is often forgotten.

For example, I know many people who are Mormon, but are also Gay. Mormons don’t allow people who “act on being gay” to attend their church. It’s really sad because these people are seeking a place to be moral and good – but they are not allowed. This to me is not true, unconditional love. Brene made a great point in her book - “I think we have to question the intentions of any group that insists on distain toward other people as a membership requirement. It may be disguised as belonging, but real belonging doesn’t necessitate disdain.”

This makes the LGBT community feel shame… and shame is quite the opposite of love. Brene says, “The expectations and messages that fuel shame keep us from fully realizing who we are as people.” We are holding ourselves, as a human-kind, back from evolving by shaming certain people or groups that don’t fit the “right” mold. And Brene makes a good point that “If we are going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light. To set down those lists of what we are supposed to be is brave. To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.”

Brene makes this other great point about organized religion as well - “When religious leaders leverage our fear and need for more certainty by extracting vulnerability from spirituality and turning faith into “compliance sequences,” rather than teaching and modeling how to wrestle with the unknown and how to embrace mystery, the entire concept of faith is bankrupt on its own terms. Faith minus vulnerability equals politics, or worse, extremism. Spiritual connection and engagement is not build on compliance, it’s the product of love, belonging and vulnerability.”

This doesn’t just apply to the LGBT community – it applies to all of our friendships - “Research tells us that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we are doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance.” It’s time we all lead by example and stop shaming others. Once we do this, we can evolve.

Let’s face it – having kids is scary and one of the most vulnerable experiences you will ever have. It’s hard not to get caught up in fear of what “could” happen or what “might” happen – but it’s so important that we live in the moment and enjoy parenthood otherwise you might miss out on all the joys! “Softening into the joyful moments of our lives requires vulnerability.”

This story in the book really hit home - “I used to think the best way to go through life was to expect the worst. That way, if it happened, you were prepared, and if it didn’t happen, you were pleasantly surprised. Then I was in a car accident and my wife was killed. Needless to say, expecting the worst didn’t prepare me at all. And worse, I still grieve for all of those wonderful moments we shared and that I didn’t fully enjoy.”

I really loved the section of this book that talked about vulnerability in parenting. I struggle with anxiety so I completely understand the parental worries, but I agree with Brene that sometimes we just have to surrender. “Now, I cross my fingers, stay grateful, pray and try like hell to push the bad images out of my head.” I was hit hard by a quote from a mother in the book who was talking about “Daring Greatly” even after she had lost a child - “Be grateful for what you have. Don’t shrink away from the joy of your child because I’ve lost mine.” This is yet another reminder to live in the moment.

I know it’s important for me to move past my anxiety so that my children can live their lives to the fullest. “That’s the wife and mother and friend that I strive to be. I want our home to be a place where we can be our bravest selves and our most fearful selves. Where we practice difficult conversations and share our shaming moments from school and work.”

I don’t want my kids to live in fear, I want them to be vulnerable… so I have to live by example. “If we want our children to live and accept who they are, our job is to love and accept who we are. We can’t use fear, shame, blame and judgment in our own lives if we want to raise courageous children.” She also makes a great point here – “Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.”

One last point that I wanted to discuss is the topic of being vulnerable in our every day lives (even in the little things). Just another reinforcement of the Golden Rule - “I’m not suggesting that we engage in a deep, meaningful relationship with the man who works at the cleaners or the woman who works at the drive-through, but I am suggesting that we stop dehumanizing people and start looking them in the eye when we speak to them. If we don’t have the energy or time to do that, we should stay home.”

There were so many great things about this book. I can’t believe how long this review is…. But I just loved this book and had so many great “take-aways” from it. I hope everyone gets a chance to read it in his or her lifetime and I hope everyone gets a chance to Dare Greatly as much as possible.


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SJ is 3-Years-Old

SJ turned three in March, so I wanted to write down some thoughts about his cute little personality at 3-years-old. He's got a great sense of humor, loves the color green and talking about colors in general. He has assigned a different color to everyone he's close too. I'm pink and Scott is blue and apparently no one can have the same favorite color so we run out of colors to assign to people pretty quickly :)

SJ knows most of his letters and we are working on the sounds of them. He loves Little Gym, which is gymnastics class. He can do a forward role, donkey kick, assisted back hand spring and assisted bar/beam exercises. He loves crafting, painting, playing with cousins, playing with grandparents and jumping on the trampoline. His best friends at school are Dylan and Eve. He likes to tell us about his adventures with Dylan and Eve every time he gets home from school. He says Eve is "the pretty girl at school". He starts official preschool at Summit Academy in August of 2015. I think he's ready to be in a more structured school environment.

He is still obsessed with the ninja turtles and every time we see a sewer in the ground he calls it a turtle hole and genuinely thinks ninja turtles live down there. His favorite ninja turtle is Mikey because he's a "party dude".

He's definitely got a case of the why's and what's and literally asks questions all day every day. He's afraid of bugs for some reason (maybe because his mom is haha), but he's even afraid of rolly-pollies and ants. Now we've moved on to spiders and bees which is at least more rational :)

I love him so much!