Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené BrownMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
First off, there are some great book club discussion questions and discussion points at this link http://www.scribd.com/doc/174262340/D... I used them for my book club meeting and we had a great discussion.
There are so many great quotes in this book and so many great discussion points. I chose vulnerability by choosing this book for book club. I was a little worried about what everyone would think because we haven’t really read any psychological books in our book club before. Turns out, everyone loved it and it made for a great discussion – so vulnerability wins again! “If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability (uncertain risk and emotional exposure) is the path.”
There are many times in my life where I’ve gone into “hermit mode” either just because I needed a breather from life or just had a period of time where I didn’t want to be super social, but I do believe that connection in general is important to thrive. Brene mentions this in her book, “Connection is why we are here. We are hardwired for connection, it’s what gives purpose and meaning in our lives, and without it there is suffering.”
This is why therapy/support groups work for many reasons whether you have an addiction, depression, etc. “We believe that most terrifying and destructive feeling that a person can experience is psychological isolation. This is not the same as being alone. It is a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation. In the extreme, psychological isolation can lead to a sense of hopelessness and desperation. People will do almost anything to escape this combination of condemned isolation and powerlessness.”
Also don’t we all respect people for either standing up/presenting in front of a crowd at work, speaking in church or testing out stand-up comedy. That takes some major guts! Public speaking is the number one fear amongst people. It’s funny because we are so excited when other people put themselves out there so we can learn from them or laugh at them, but we won’t do it ourselves. “Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me. I’m drawn to your vulnerability, but repelled by mine.” It is true that “vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.”
The reason most of us don’t put ourselves out there is obviously due to fear. But if we don’t push ourselves, we won’t grow as individuals - “There will be failure and mistakes and criticism. If we want to be able to move through the difficult disappointments, the hurt feelings, and the heartbreaks that are inevitable in a fully lived life, we can’t equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging and joy. If we do, we will never show up and try again.”
And this brings us back to the types of environments we work and live in – are we encouraged to try and is it okay if we fail? Or is there so much pressure on us that if we fail, we will be berated and therefore lose confidence? Brene mentions that “if you want a culture of creativity and innovation, where sensible risks are embraced on both a market and individual level, start by developing the ability of managers to cultivate an openness to vulnerability in their teams.” This couldn’t be more true.
I’ve worked in environments where failing was simply not an option, and I’ve worked in environments where trying and failing was encouraged. Trust me, the second one was much more profitable and successful. It’s common sense. As a women sometimes I feel how Brene felt - “Basically, we have to be willing to stay as small, sweet, and quiet as possible, and use our time and talent to look pretty. Our dreams, gifts and ambitions are unimportant.” But that isn’t going to get us anywhere. And that’s not why my female ancestors paved the way for me to be an independent successful woman in the workforce.
Brene is right when she says, “Leaders must rehumanize education and work. And if there is there evidence of people in leadership roles bullying others, criticizing subordinates in front of colleagues, delivering public reprimands, or setting up rewards systems that intentionally belittle, shame, or humiliate people” we must stop them. This stops growth and definitely stops innovation. Let’s be honest – there are many companies and leaders that feel that “busting balls in public builds character. It’s motivating,” but to evolve as a company and as humankind – we need to stop this immaturity. It’s making us all suffer and if you want people to thrive/innovate in your organization and for your organization to succeed, you have to encourage vulnerability.
There was a story in the book about a girl who said - “my boss has these two big dry-erase boards outside of his office. One’s the winners’ list, and one board is for the losers. She said for weeks she could barely function. She lost her confidence and started missing work. Shame, anxiety and fear took over. After a difficult three-week period, she quit her job and went to work for another agency.” How did shaming these employees benefit this company? They had to re-hire and re-train a new worker, when they could have just had healthy conversations about what these employees could have done to improve. “Shame can only rise so far in any system before people disengage to protect themselves. When we’re disengaged, we don’t show up, we don’t contribute, and we stop caring.”
If organizations want to succeed, they need to stop this counterintuitive, masochistic behavior. They are sabotaging themselves. “In an organizational culture where respect and the dignity of individuals are held as the highest values, shame and blame don’t work as management styles. There is no leading by fear. Empathy is a valued asset, accountability is an expectation rather than an exception, and the primal human need for belonging is not used leverage and social control.” That is how you succeed according to Brene.
It’s OKAY to have the hard conversations and tell people what they need to do to improve themselves, in fact – it’s important for growth. It’s valid when leaders feel this - “If you’re comfortable, I’m not teaching you and you’re not learning. It’s going to get uncomfortable in here and that’s okay. It’s normal and it’s part of the process.” It’s okay to get uncomfortable, but we don’t have to shame people. And Brene mentions that this is one of the biggest challenges leaders have these days - “The big challenge for leaders is getting our heads and our hearts around the fact that we need to cultivate the courage to be uncomfortable and to teach the people around us how to accept discomfort as part of growth.”
I loved the concept of the “Marble Jar” – “Trust is built one marble at a time.” Trust is a growing marble collection. How many friendships have you had where trust is broken and you should have metaphorically taken a marble out of someone’s jar, but you didn’t – or vice versa – how many of your friendships constantly reinforce the trust you have in those friendships? Shouldn’t you be focusing on the friendships where your marble jars are more full vs. the friendships where marbles are pretty much non-existent?
Brene also talks about what’s called a “Stretch-Mark Friend” – she said you only find one or two of these in your entire life, but these are people you can be truly vulnerable with - “The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool. To be on my list, you have to be what I call a stretch-mark friend- our connection has been stretched and pulled so much that it’s become part of who we are, a second skin, and there are a few scars to prove it. We’re totally uncool with each other. I don’t’ think anyone has more than one or two people who qualify for that list.”
It’s so important to have good friends in order to live a vulnerable life. It’s also important for us to BE good friends to others so they can be vulnerable with us. We need to stop the gossip, the judgment, etc. - “When we feel good about the choices we’re making and when we’re engaging with the world from a place of worthiness rather than scarcity, we feel no need to judge and attack.”
You’ve probably heard the saying - “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” Well, Brene Brown states in her book that - “when people shared their stories and experiences, their physical health improved, their doctor’s visits decreased, and they showed significant decreases in their stress hormones.” This didn’t surprise me. As someone that does yoga on a regular basis, I’ve learned about the chakras, and one of your chakra’s is called the “Throat Chakra” – you release this chakra by speaking your truth. You can have major health problems if you aren’t speaking your truth and holding things in – such as thyroid problems, sore throat, etc.
It’s not rocket science that disengagement corrodes trust. We run into this so much in 2015 – with Facebook and a million apps/games on our phone – we rarely live in the moment. We rarely engage with our families and friends without distraction. This is considered a betrayal by many and actually ends a lot of marriages. Brene mentions this in the book - “In fact, this betrayal usually happens long before the other ones. I’m talking about the betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Or letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship. The word betrayal evokes experiences of cheating, lying, breaking and a confidence, failing to defend us to someone else who’s gossiping about us and not choosing us over other people. These behaviors are certainly betrayals, but they’re not the only form of betrayal.”
With disengagement comes lack of connection with our significant others – why should we have sex when we can play one more game on our phone or post one more thing on Facebook? This because a true problem because our partners will turn to porn - “For five bucks and five minutes, you think you are getting what you need, and you don’t have to risk rejection.”
Think about it - it’s one of the most vulnerable things men do - asking for intimacy. And for women, sharing their body (especially for those who have a poor body image) while intimate is extremely vulnerable. Brene mentions this about how men feel about sex and vulnerability - “When it comes to sex, it feels like our life is on the line, and you are worried about that crap?” {body image, etc.) “It’s true, when you want to be with us in that way it makes us feel more worthy. We stand a little taller. Believe in ourselves more. I don’t know why, but it’s true. And I’ve been married since I was eighteen. It still feels that way with my wife.” All the more reason for men and women to understand each other’s vulnerabilities – it will make our marriages and relationships stronger.
I’ve grown up in Utah, which is considered a pretty conservative place due to the Mormon presence. I actually grew up Mormon and have very devout parents/family members, but the one thing that is really hard for me about organized religion is how much the church-goers forget about “love” and what the true message of religion is all about. As Brene says - “We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.” Maybe it’s that people who attend organized religions don’t really LOVE themselves unconditionally – so how can they love others unconditionally? Whether they were taught to only love themselves if they followed certain rules, or did what their churches wanted them to do –and so on… In my mind – God doesn’t put a restriction on love. And for many devout people of organized religions – this is often forgotten.
For example, I know many people who are Mormon, but are also Gay. Mormons don’t allow people who “act on being gay” to attend their church. It’s really sad because these people are seeking a place to be moral and good – but they are not allowed. This to me is not true, unconditional love. Brene made a great point in her book - “I think we have to question the intentions of any group that insists on distain toward other people as a membership requirement. It may be disguised as belonging, but real belonging doesn’t necessitate disdain.”
This makes the LGBT community feel shame… and shame is quite the opposite of love. Brene says, “The expectations and messages that fuel shame keep us from fully realizing who we are as people.” We are holding ourselves, as a human-kind, back from evolving by shaming certain people or groups that don’t fit the “right” mold. And Brene makes a good point that “If we are going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light. To set down those lists of what we are supposed to be is brave. To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.”
Brene makes this other great point about organized religion as well - “When religious leaders leverage our fear and need for more certainty by extracting vulnerability from spirituality and turning faith into “compliance sequences,” rather than teaching and modeling how to wrestle with the unknown and how to embrace mystery, the entire concept of faith is bankrupt on its own terms. Faith minus vulnerability equals politics, or worse, extremism. Spiritual connection and engagement is not build on compliance, it’s the product of love, belonging and vulnerability.”
This doesn’t just apply to the LGBT community – it applies to all of our friendships - “Research tells us that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we are doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance.” It’s time we all lead by example and stop shaming others. Once we do this, we can evolve.
Let’s face it – having kids is scary and one of the most vulnerable experiences you will ever have. It’s hard not to get caught up in fear of what “could” happen or what “might” happen – but it’s so important that we live in the moment and enjoy parenthood otherwise you might miss out on all the joys! “Softening into the joyful moments of our lives requires vulnerability.”
This story in the book really hit home - “I used to think the best way to go through life was to expect the worst. That way, if it happened, you were prepared, and if it didn’t happen, you were pleasantly surprised. Then I was in a car accident and my wife was killed. Needless to say, expecting the worst didn’t prepare me at all. And worse, I still grieve for all of those wonderful moments we shared and that I didn’t fully enjoy.”
I really loved the section of this book that talked about vulnerability in parenting. I struggle with anxiety so I completely understand the parental worries, but I agree with Brene that sometimes we just have to surrender. “Now, I cross my fingers, stay grateful, pray and try like hell to push the bad images out of my head.” I was hit hard by a quote from a mother in the book who was talking about “Daring Greatly” even after she had lost a child - “Be grateful for what you have. Don’t shrink away from the joy of your child because I’ve lost mine.” This is yet another reminder to live in the moment.
I know it’s important for me to move past my anxiety so that my children can live their lives to the fullest. “That’s the wife and mother and friend that I strive to be. I want our home to be a place where we can be our bravest selves and our most fearful selves. Where we practice difficult conversations and share our shaming moments from school and work.”
I don’t want my kids to live in fear, I want them to be vulnerable… so I have to live by example. “If we want our children to live and accept who they are, our job is to love and accept who we are. We can’t use fear, shame, blame and judgment in our own lives if we want to raise courageous children.” She also makes a great point here – “Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.”
One last point that I wanted to discuss is the topic of being vulnerable in our every day lives (even in the little things). Just another reinforcement of the Golden Rule - “I’m not suggesting that we engage in a deep, meaningful relationship with the man who works at the cleaners or the woman who works at the drive-through, but I am suggesting that we stop dehumanizing people and start looking them in the eye when we speak to them. If we don’t have the energy or time to do that, we should stay home.”
There were so many great things about this book. I can’t believe how long this review is…. But I just loved this book and had so many great “take-aways” from it. I hope everyone gets a chance to read it in his or her lifetime and I hope everyone gets a chance to Dare Greatly as much as possible.
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